I consumed myself in alcohol. I consumed myself in exercise.
I consumed myself with household chores and projects.
I consumed myself with my children.
I attempted to drown out my thoughts by constantly piping music in my ears.
But I could not escape it, we were unhappy and had been for a long time.
I was job hunting, successfully. Interview after interview, call back after call back; I went through the process only to reject all offers. One day last August I was struck by my own inner voice shouting at me, "Why are you attempting to begin your career here? Do you WANT to stay here?" And so, I did the thing I had been afraid to do: I left, with my kids and began MY life.
It wasn't like I disappeared in the middle of the night. HB and I had a long discussion and realized that this was what we both wanted, the first time we had wanted it at the same time. So, together we drove 17 hours west where he unloaded the kids and I at my parents' house and left.
I had spent the next few months in limbo, not knowing how I was to define myself any longer. Everything I had known the last 12 years was gone. To combat falling into a depression and running back to my past life, I surrounded myself with friends I had been estranged from for years, who were more than willing to have me back in their lives and reconnected with my family. The fact that it has been 5 months and I had yet to fall apart is confirmation enough that I had made the right choice. Though it hasn't been easy, and my life's comforts are no longer, I have no regrets. I know the best is yet to come and can finally see my path in life.
