The Extra "Alt"

Most times I lack ideas, good or bad. But sometimes (yes sometimes) I get a great one that comes along. Usually my great ideas don't seem like much to anyone else but myself, but I like to pretend it's a huge deal anyhow.

So I have been "n"-less for some time now having my frustration growing more and more as I stumble through whatever I'm typing when I come across that letter. Just now during one of those frustrated episodes, I looked down at my keys. While starring at them in distain I realized that there are 2 "alt" keys. I also took notice that the "alt" keys are the same size as the letter keys. Going through my memory I tried to recall if I have ever used both "alt" keys and discovered that I have not.

So yes, I am a genius....a slow one....but a genius none the less. Since substituting my missing "n" with the extra "alt" my fingers again enjoy dancing across the keys! YEY for me!

"N"-less

Some weeks go by very uneventful. Other weeks, like this week, it seems that I am God's personal Jester.

I went through my morning routine like normal. Cleaned my house and everything was dandy. Then, I get a wild hair in my butt to vacuum off my laptop computer. It was going well at first, but then my HIGHLY expensive Kirby Vacuum system (expensive as in more than $2,000) decided it would turn against me. Slidding the vacuum attachment along the keyboard, it stopped itself at the letter "n." Then I hear a "clump-clink-clank" go down the hose.

I said to myself, "NO IT DID NOT!"

Upon shutting the vacuum off and lifting the attachment off of it's new favorite meal (the keyboard), I discovered that the darn vacuum ate my letter "n."

I was calm at first, thinking "no big deal, I know where the 'n' is at." So I took apart my vacuum, and took off the 99.997% allergen filtered bag that weighs 3 pounds at least when it's empty (the bag, not the vacuum....heavy bag) and wrapped my face in a wet towel so I didn't breath in all the mites and dust it had collected in the last 3 weeks.

I found that their 99.997% allergen filter bag was almost inpenetrable. It took me 30 minutes to empty that bag (if it wasn't so expensive to buy another bag, I would have cut it open). My first shift through of the dusty little bunnies (wearing 2 plastic bags as my gloves) left me with nothing other than lots of dust, crayons, some paper, candy wrapper, and some pine needles from the Christmas tree. I then went on to flip the bag inside out, shaking the last bits of dust bunnies out onto the driveway. I found no letter "n."

I shifted through the pile of dust again and again. Each time breaking the little clumps into smaller clumps, each time feeling more for something flat and square. Each time failing to find anything.

At this point, I thought maybe I imagined the letter "n" missing (happens sometimes), so I went back to check the laptop. Sure enough my sanity was proven with the empty space between the letters "m" and "b."

So I went back outside again and checked again, and again, and again. I was about to give up, but then I remembered that I have a stubborn streak and with that I took off my wet towel tied around my face and my plastic bag gloves and decided to dive right in (you know, to do it right).

By this point I have spent an hour looking for my letter "n." Covered with dust and who-knows what, looking a bit albino-ish, I thought maybe I should clean up....but not before one last scan through of the thin dusty spread along the driveway. So I scanned, slowly, and stubbornly, I scanned.

There, as white as I was, I saw one-third of my letter "n", then I found another third. Having the two-thirds in my ashy hand I thought it was ok to give up since I found the majority of it. Logic also told me that finding it in pieces ment that it's broken.

So I cleaned up, got Sony on the phone and requested to buy the letter "n" for my Vaio Notebook. They said, "What?!?!" So I told them how my vacuum turned against me (jealuously I presume as I use the laptop more than the vacuum). They did their best to help me and transfered me from one person to another. I didn't understand why the sales people were so confused, surely, there has to be others out there that looses just one letter, but that would be me assuming that I'm part of the normal population.

I finally got a guy who informed me that they simply do not contact Japan for single letters. (I don't see why not, seems reasonable to me...for repair shops and such) Instead, he told me that I would have to purchase the whole keyboard and replace the keyboard. I stared at my laptop and tried to figure out how just the keyboard section is replaced and not the whole base...I mean, if it's just the keyboard section, would they send me it letter by letter, button by button, piece by piece? I just couldn't figure out how it is done in one piece without replacing the base of it. So, naturally I asked him. Either he didn't know, or he was annoyed. He told me that if I didn't know I would have to take it to a repair shop and have them do it. I thanked him for his time and hung up.

There have been many times when things I have bought/own suddenly misses a piece of it. Being that I think it's a bit ridiculous to replace the whole keyboard (I have the rest of the letters and they work just fine), I'm going to handle this as I do in my similar past situations.

I'm going to find a floor model from a store and take the piece that I need. And so I do not repeat this mistake, I'm keeping the vacuum and the laptop separated since they obviously have issues with one another and I don't need the laptop to retaliate against the vacuum.

The Watershow

I love when things on me break down or flow over. Timing is never better. It always seems that when things like this happens I've also got a million other things I'm doing at the same time. Today was no exception, though it started last night.

While preparing dinner last night my sink lovingly clogged up and flowed over. Which was grand because I had to put dinner on hold to run out and get some roto-rooter stuff (whatever happened to Draino, it wasn't even on the shelves). Of course I went to walmart (bad idea), and of course Walmart was packed (I hate packed stores). Waiting in the express lane, thought about the dinner I had left on the stove and wanted to go home with urgency. That feeling probably wasn't a good idea, since anytime I feel urgent about anything things become more sluggish. The lady infront of my dropped her case of Frapacinos (which should be a crime, except it was mocha flavored, not coffee flavored). So they closed off the 2 surrounding checkout lanes. This left me along with everyone else infront of and behind me to move to another register and wait even longer. The checkout lane I then went to had a mechanical problem just as I put the roto-rooter down to be scanned, so I had to again change checkout lanes.

I finally made it home after fighting traffic, and dinner was cold and now stuck to the pan. So I scraped what I could out and we ate.

Putting the dishes aside and stacking them in the pots and pans (since I could not use my sink and therefore my dishwasher), HB began to plung the sink. It was unfortunate that I had my back to the sink because I missed a spectacular geyser! Rather than being able to see it coming and dodging to enjoy the show while remaining dry, my backside got the brunt of it.

Plunging did not work, so I then resorted to pooring the roto-rooter into the sink. 2 hours goes by and I comment on how it was not working at all. HB then made an observation and informed me that it would probably work best if I had removed the stoppers. With that, the stoppers were removed and we left it to work over night.

During the morning rush to get the kids ready for school, I was pleased that the sink was now empty. As i got ready to wash the dishes from the night before, the sink again clogged up and flowed over. I sigh and let it be, and went on to clear up breakfast (yay, more dishes). Of course the morning wouldn't have been complete with my lovely toddler throwing her food around as if it were confetti.

After coming home from taking my two older daughters to school, I decided I would conquer the flooding sink, I felt that victory was on my side. With pipe wrench in hand, towels laying along the floor and under the sink with a bowl (a bucket would not have fit under the piping) to catch whatever came leaking out, I felt prepared.

I'm not sure what happened, but as I slowly began to loosen the joints, water went everywhere, like an angry river released from a dam. My bowl did not collect the water as it was shooting upward (defying gravity) and then bouncing off the top of that cabinet outwards at me, drenching me head to toe and flooding the kitchen floor. On a positive note, it stayed dry under the sink. The pipe wasn't even off yet, it was just loosened, and the water was coming out with such force that I couldn't even pretend to tighten it back up.

Covered in nasty built up water, I evaluated my wet kitchen, and decided it best to clean up and change my clothes. After that I figured that there wasn't anymore water that could come out of the pipes, so I then proceeded to take them all apart. Sadly, the clog must be beyond my reach as I didn't find a clog in the pipes. Realizing I would need a snake, but knowing that I didn't have one, I picked up the only thing I knew would be my last chance as coming out the victor of this battle....the phone book. It was aparent to me then that I am a bad plumber, which was humbling because I'm very much a do-it-yourself type of person...that and I'm a penny pincher.

Surviving Black Friday

I'm the kind of person that has never gone out the day after thanksgiving, until this morning. I was somehow talked into going to the "Day After Thanksgiving Sales." How, I'm not sure being that the last thing I wanted to do first thing in the morning was cram my way through the mall and stores and trying to keep track of the 3children that seem to overwhelm me when I go out shopping on a normal day. Never the less, I went.

I was fine for the first hour as we went store hopping. Then somewhere in Sears when my 4 year decided to pull an "I want it!" explosion, my two year old was playing "bet ya can't catch me!", the nicotine from my last cigarette wore off, my 7 year old inadvertly fell into playing "bet ya can't catch me!" and I was navigating a now empty stroller through the over crowded aisles trying to find the exit that I suddenly felt I had lost total control (if that is I had any to begin with).

I have often felt as if I was a sheep herder (but for children), trying to keep them from running this way and that, my head spinning in directions with percise speed that even Linda Blair wasn't able to accomplish in the 1970s Exorcist movie; my ears, tuned into their foot steps so I know exactly when and where one of my children have slowed down and by how much if they are out of eye's view. But this morning, with the crowds growing around me and trying so desperately to keep my children with me, I felt for the first time like white trash (a bit below humbling).

After finding freedom from Sears, I resorted to bribery (I was desperate) by treating my children with cookies (which was a disaster as I didn't get the giant Cinderella frosted cookie cake my 4 year old had been eyeing), a trip to the pet store, and (gulp)...the toy store. Thank God the pet store did not seem to be participating in the biggest sales day of the year, unfortunately the toy store did. I have always hated toy stores in malls, never ever have they had enough space in their little nook to house as many toys as they do, and they never have any consideration of customer walking space when setting up these stores.

By this point, my 2 year old was buckled into the stroller (which i only do when I become desperate), but the toy store started the grand reopening of the "I want it!" series from my precious 4 year old. I believe it was in that store (it's all a bit blurry) that I ran over ever bystander with the stroller making my way to the exit. The trip to the toy store wasn't all bad though, the Baby Alive toy that my daughters swoon over when seeing it advertised in a commerical was crossed off their Christmas list after being creeped out by it in person and dubbed "the scarey baby."

Regrouping with my friends (thank God they were there since at this point the mall was spinning around me), we thought we would hit one more store...just one more: JCPenny. I was pleasantly greeted with REAL sales and bargains there and at first the eariler chaos disappeared from my recent memories. Then I had to check out, which ruined the whole experience. The closest checkout had a line that seemed to round its way around the outter walk way, so that checkout was avoided. Instead, we made our way to the shortest line. Being the 4th person in line, I felt good, optismist even. The girls were wound down (given I told them that if they didn't act like little ladies, I'd take them to the salon to have their hair shaved like boys)and all seemed good. 10 minutes later I was still the 4th person in line...then 15 minutes past, I was still the 4th person in line. I began to worry that the cashiers had forgot their caffine being that they've been open since 4am, but that worry quickly turned into dark sarcastic remarks. Then the crowds began again, at first I thought it was claustophobia (which is a common foe of mine), then I thought that maybe it was the 3 hours since my last cigarette, I even considered that it as stress from the first and latter mixed in with the adventure of have 3 kids with me. But as the displays around me spun, I white knuckled the stroller and my breathing quickened; I realized I was having an anxiety attack (my first).

Putting to use the Lamaze breathing techniques that failed me during all of my baby's wonderful entrance into this world, I was able to make it home. Once inside, I put my winter coat back on(I think the inside of the frig is warmer than it is outside) and fell asleep on the couch. I must have been out for at least 5 hours and woke up very confused on the day and time. Napping is something I don't really do and 5 hours far surpasses the classifications of a nap.

I can't wait to do it again next year just to put myself into another 5 hour coma!

...

I have been in seclusion (as secluded as I can get with 3 kids) for a whole day now. I just want to be left alone. I have decided not to answer the phone out of fear that it will be more bad news, I'm bad news-ed out (3 in a row, I'm ready for this month to be over now).

I had a delusional dream of my future when I was 12 and carried it for 14 years, I thought my dog and I would grow old together. In some ways, it is true, we did grow together and she was there for all my major life changes.

In a military family, there isn't much stability other than your family. And my family was not what you would call stable. I came home from 7th grade one day to see the cutest puppy I've ever seen and bonded with her faster and more so than I have ever done with anyone before then and even after then (minus my children of course).

Lady was the constant in my life when things around me became so uncertain and scary. She was the warmth in a home that I remember being so cold growing up.

...

memories

A Futuristic Now

Reading the news this morning, I became terrified, hopeful, and excited all at the same time (combined this makes me anxious, which is probably due to hormonal imbalances). I read that the U.N. is getting together with all nations to establish a plan for global warming. There is now hard scientific proof that if we as a global community do not combat this together, our species is without a doubt going to face extinction, along with other plant and animal species. So they are coming together to have a plan set in by 2009 and in full function by 2012. Nations are to come together to fund poorer nations into this transition, not one nation can be excluded from this plan, and there is no more room for the skeptics.

It is nice to know that we are now coming together (or trying to at least) for a cause that is important (the continuation of our species). I thought of all the futuristic books i've read, and movies I've seen and remembered that in many cases (it's eerie actually) that life imitates art (rather than the other way around). I even thought about the video game I've been dabbling in (in my free time) where all the cities are underwater in these tubes. To think, in our life time a major change is going to occur, which will require major sacrifices to our way of living. It was stated that the poor (in any nation) will not survive, starvation will become common around the world...which is see-able, being that milk is already nearing $5 a gallon and water prices are to rise dramatically within the next 5 years due to a severe drought that is to effect 30-some-odd states of our 50 states. The hot days of summer will get hotter, the cold days of winter...colder, killing plants and animal alike.

I wonder, is 2012 soon enough? It's right around the corner, I know. But that is an odd year to choose (even though it is an even number). According to old Buddist scripts, oracles of Rome, and the Mayan calendar: 2012 is to be the year that the human race ends, that the 5 eras of humans (we are on the fifth) ends in Dec. of that year. Dec. of that year is also when we are going to experience a galactic eclipse, the first in our planet's history, where we become aligned for the big flip to the other side of the Milky Way. (Sounds a bit outrageous, I know).

Seems that time is literally flying away from us, seems to be speeding. If it didn't mean that my children might suffer through the heat and cold and hunger and thirst, it wouldn't be so terrifying. And aside from all the prophecies of 2012 in countless religions and texts, and aside from us flipping over to the other side of the galaxy (which is going to give the GREATEST light show in our skies...if I live I'm gonna be so excited to watch it!), this is a very exciting change...minus the death of thousands from increases in the acts of God (hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanos, etc due to the climate change).

It just occured to me that I sound like a loon. I took something from the U.N. and related it to deceased religions and astronomy (not astrology, I'm not that loony). Now I sound like a conspiracy theorist...but a conspiracy that's on a galactic level, not govermental.

...maybe I read to much...

Socialism

As a social person, i have always been able to blend well with any group of people...but as a person, I'm not much of a people person. I'd rather sit by myself somewhere than listen to dull meaningless conversation about "he-said/she-said". Though I do have close friends, I'm the kind of person that is just fine without seeing them for a month or so. Unfortunately, my friends are not like this. It was been 4 days since I had seen any of them. Usually they stop by without notice and decide to interupt my days by "chatting" all day long, coming over at 9am and staying til 6pm. And because I am polite, I do not get anything done that I would have otherwise gotten done, I sit with them and pretend to be entertained by their silly little conversation topics that mean nothing to me. In all honesty, participating in these conversations usually gives me a headache.

Yesterday, a friend of mine who I love dearly as a person but find boring, called me. She notified me that she invited 4 other people...and their kids that she was coming over to my house tomorrow (today). Today, the kids have off from school because of Veteran's Day. They have not been able to watch TV all weekend because Jason has hogged it playing video games. So my plans on sitting with the kids and watching goofy cartoons then dancing around the house (which is what we do when they are home and Jason is not) is not going to happen. I slept in til 10:30 and now have only an hour and 15 minutes before their expected arrival.

Why? Why in the world do people decide to just hop in on other people...granted, my friend calling to at least let me know that they were coming over is new, usually they just stop by. But every time they stop by, I'm the last one to know that there's a get-together at my residence. Kind-a urks me a bit. But rather then being rude, I will most likely do what I do best when they get here: I'll smile and pretend I am interested and make them feel as if they have made my day so much better because of their presence...all the while wishing that they would just go home...with their kids. My home is my home. And i like it kept nice. I don't mind getting out of my house and meeting everyone somewhere else, but whenever they all come over and bring their kids, something gets broken or colored on...and not normal things. I have holes in my walls, crayons I just scrubbed off my walls, hair shampoo just cleaned out of my carpet...all from having their children at my house 4 days ago.

Being that we have so many children between the 5 of us, you would think we would meet at a playground....but then again, that's just me.

It happened again....

So I've been in a funk since school got out, a bit depressed and somewhat hollow feeling. Though the hollow feeling increased a few days ago. I blamed it on many reasons, none of which made sense to me. Then I thought, "I need to go see family." And this urge to "go see family" became more and more urgent. Of course, I assumed that I needed to go see my family. Then today I scrunched numbers and became excited when the possibility to go home for Thanksgiving began to open up. So I drove to the grocery store, scheming on how this will work out, only to realized when I was at the checkout that it probably wasn't a good idea being that Christmas is nearing on us. So again, the little light that filled me up inside dimmed down.

Driving home, for some odd reason I realized "HB's family is family!" (Duh, I know). And his Aunt lives just an hour and a half from us. So I got overwhelmed with excitment on going to see his family for Thanksgiving.

When I got home to share my revelation with HB, HB looked at me with sorrow eyes and said in a very controlled manner that his great aunt (who raised him for 3 years when he was 4) was on life support for lung disease. His Aunt that lives near us was going to Louisiana to go see her. So I pushed that we should go too, being that I've been overcome with the need to see "family" and felt fulfilled by the thought that "family" was really his family, not mine.

HB being the non-optimist that he is was against it. He used financial reasons as an excuse, but I know it's probably more along the lines of coming face to face with sweet childhood memories and the dark reality of his aunt being near death...even as a man, he is not strong enough to face this.

It seems that whenever a member of my family is ill or has become deceased, no matter the distance between myself and them, I have a deep inner self telling me in a not so direct way with a loud and urgent voice, I suppose this goes to show that this voice of mine is not limited to strictly my bloodline.

Boredom

I have been out of school for 3 weeks, only 3 weeks. I realized it was "only" 3 weeks a few days ago when I thought to myself that I was ready to go back again soon...only to realize that I have another 2 months still. Then I became slightly depressed, a bit hollow feeling. Can't explain why, you would think that I would be enjoying my time off of school, I thought I would be. This proves that even I can be wrong at times (rare times).

To keep myself busy, I had done some fall cleaning (even though I just moved here and unpacked not too long ago). After I got everything cleaned I bought new furniture (this was the most exciting point in the last 3 weeks.) A 7 piece wall unit desk, a huge ass table that can seat my whole family, 2 floor to ceiling bookshelves, and an end table. The arrival of my furniture busied me for a whole day as I put everything in it's place. My favorite are the bookshelves, I have wanted so long a library; a room with just bookshelves and a single chair in the middle of the room. I do not have the space here for a library, so I converted my sitting room into my little library (I say little because there's only 2 bookshelves). Putting all my books away into their new home was the most exciting part. Some of these books have not had a place to call their own in my home since I left my parents' house.

When I get really bored, I like to stop in the middle of my sitting room (which is more of a sitting "area") and stare at my books...I realized I should've gotten 3 rather then just 2, but 2 is fine for now.

After I am fulfilled admiring the beginnings to my library, I sit and paint. I've started 2 paintings...I gave up on one realizing that I cannot paint praire grass and sandy beaches (which is sad for me, I was painting a light house and planned on titling it Solitude). Though now I am working on some burning logs and thinking about titling it somewhere along the lines of Inner Fury, or The Burning Soul. I'll perfect the title once I am finished.

I've read 3 books, and am on my 4th.

But the most exciting thing I have done in the past weeks is my hair...today. I had cut my hair really short a few months back, I loved it. Now it is growing out...that point where you can't quite put it up in a pony tail but it's too hot to leave it down. So today I put my hair up in 6 pony tails and feel so much better.

So aside from my pony tails and my miniture library, I have been bored out of my mind and I go crazy at the thought that I have another 2 months before I begin school again....

Random thoughts

Walking the girls to school today, Nana, who is 4, found a pretty flower and tells me "if picking that flower wouldn't kill it, I'd pick it and give it to you cuz it's pretty." I suppose logic is a good thing for her to have, and she's already learning the value of how it's the thought that counts.

Walking back, a bunch of teenagers were gathered at the corner waiting for their bus, I say goodmorning to them as i do every morning, but this morning they all called me ma'am. And I thought for a second, "wow, what great manners and respect for elders." Then I thought, "ELDERS!" Then I remembered that ma'am comes from 'madam'...which is french for 'madame' which means 'my lady.' Though I highly doubt that they realized they were calling me 'my lady,' It's a nice thought for those that are ever called "ma'am"

Then I got to my house, block after block of homes decorated for Halloween, until you hit my street. I didn't notice it til today; but aside from the house that still has their christmas lights up, I'm the only house that's even moderately decorated for Halloween.

starry nights

I go outside at least once a night to look up at the stars. my favorite constellation is Orion's Belt. I've always been captivated by the 3 stars in the middle and can spot it for where ever I am in the world. I miss the sky in Germany, so many stars freckle the night there. There's dots of light even in the darkest parts of their night sky, like someone dropped a bottle of glitter. Every night walking home from work, I would stop half way home and just stare up, getting myself lost within the stars above me (secretly keeping my eyes out for UFOs). Thank God bat's have echo location, there's been several times I'd get so caught up in the stars that I wouldn't see a bat until it would dodge me at the last minute. People say you can see tons in the mountains or somewhere away from the city, but I miss being able to walk outside my house and being overwhelmed by the starry night.

Oh! You know what else I miss about my German town, the Cathedral lit up at night, being able to see the shadows of the ancient stones making up the cathedral and the steeples illuminated from the farthest edges of the town, glowing in the distance like a blaze of fire....beautiful.

Spiders plot my doom

Running into the same spider's web once a day has become routine...but never have I run into so many in the afternoon. 6 of them! one for every block! Seriously now, by the time I got home I looked like I was already dressed for halloween.

My Short Lived Victory

Walking the girls to school this morning, I had to pat myself of the back for remembering that there is always a spider's web that my face runs into every morning, monday through friday since school started for the kids. So this morning....I ducked. "Ha Ha Ha" I cheered to myself, "No web in the face for me!"

Then walking back home I forgot about it and got it all over my face anyhow.

Lesson of the day: what you don't clear on the way there is still waiting for you on the way back.

Why Smoking is bad...but Myspace is good

I went out to the garage (my smoke haven) to smoke this morning, Ember, my two year old, was playing with the door like always...but today she decided to locked me out with her inside.

My first reaction was to grab the spare key that we keep in the garage...that happened to be inside now because Jason and I were racing around the house the other day and I used it to get inside when he locked me out, then of course I left it inside.

Then I went to the stroller where I had my set of keys this morning when I went to take the girls to school....then I realized I took those inside when I came home.

So then I went to get my cell phone...which I found was also inside.

...

After 20 minutes of trying to instruct my 26 month old how to unlock the door, she began to flip out and demanded that "MAMA COME INSIDE!" So I did as any mother and hestitantly rushed to a neighbors house to call HB (fearing leaving my toddler completely alone)... of course that's when I remember that I don't have his phone number memorized. So I ran back home and my toddler was still screaming.

With Ember's cries, I grew more irrational and urgent to get inside. That's when I thought to myself..."I could use a credit card!" Seeing as I didn't have my wallet, I used the tools in the garage. Apparently credit cards are used in the movies because they work better than garage tools.

Nearing panic, I considered the hammer I was then holding, thinking strongly about hacking the door down with it, and also seriously considered drilling the lock out as I looked the drill I was holding in my other hand...

...but then I saw my lifeline...the laptop, which I took with me to smoke...

I IM'ed my father, who happens to be my landlord, thinking maybe, just maybe as the landlord he would have Jason's cell phone number. Unfortunately when his IM icon says "away" it really means he's not at his computer.

So I logged onto myspace and saw that my friends were online. I e-mailed them both only to have no one respond. (Not knowing that one got my e-mail and was frantically gathering her son and rushing to my house)

The battery on my laptop was running low. Sitting by the window as Ember sat on the other side (crying of course) I looked up pictures of door knobs on the internet, thinking it might be poosible for me to teach her how to unlock a door by showing her a picture through the window.

Trying my very best to keep calm I started a controlled cry (which is different from a panicked cry) and that's when I heard my friend pull up. I ran to her as she came out of her car.

She called her husband to get HB's number...but her husband only had mine. So we called Verizon to get HB's number, though dear friend has a Colorado Verizon number and they couldn't look up HB's Texas Verizon number. (this was discovered after giving her my verizon number 4 times and her telling me that I didn't have an account, then her realizing that my area code was not a Colorado one).

So they transfered me to a Texas Verizon representative, and the Texas Verizon lady explained to me in detail of the security policy restricting her from giving me HB's number direction, she personally connected me through to him.

Ember was home inside by herself for 45 minutes by the time I finally got connected to HB and told him what was going on and that he needed to come home to let me in the house, he could barely hear me over his own laughter.


Lesson of the day: Smoking is bad, could get you locked out of your house.

In the mood to go shopping????

It's October and most of the country has Autumn well on the way (still feels like summer here...anyways). School days in the Fall only mean one thing...oh yes, fundraisers! As technology has grown since we were children going door to door selling useless products to our neighbors, there is now the convinence of shopping online! (how thoughtful!!) This comes in handy as it states on their packet NOT to go door to door...ahhh, how times have changed.

So...now you probably know what I'm getting too :::evil laughter inserted here:::

This season's fundraiser is full of holiday items ranging from mugs to wrapping paper, to cards, to frames, and as always...the handy tool organizers. They only need to sell 2 items to recieve a gift (alot better than when I was little), and I have two children in school who are lovingly competitive with one another, so lets keep it even. Please if you order from one, order from the other's registeration number as well.

So visit www.kathrynbeich.com !!! Sales end October 17th!!! Hurry now!!! :::imitating 80s used car salesperson:::

To credit Nana and Timber Ridge Elementary school: enter 138634 under Option 1 after selecting an item.

To credit Sissy and Timber Ridge Elementary school: enter 138628 under Option 1 after selecting an item.

Thank you for your support!!!

Headline news = Paranoid mom

The news here has been flooded with a 6 year old girl (Hanna Mack) who was found missing when her mother went to wake her for school and then discovered hung in a garage not to far from here. They have the dude that did it in custody. The news had interviews of other parents who express their sympathy, like most would.

Then of course you get your know-it-alls, the ones that make comments like "How do you not know your child is missing?"; "How can you go all night and not discover your child stolen?"

I watched the know-it-alls, and thought: "my god, I wouldn't know. I check on my kids before I go to sleep, but if something happens while I'm sleeping...I wouldn't know til morning!"

I got angry that these know-it-alls thought that parents should just keep waking up in the middle of the night to make sure their children are still there...but at the same time I felt guilty because I would be that mother that didn't know til morning that they're missing.

So I had this in my mind all night (i'm proned to paranoia).

Well, this morning I had to take HB to work...again...and usually he runs around getting ready and I'm the one that grabs the kids from their beds and puts them in the car, it's been that way for most of the 7 and a half years we've been parents. Today HB thought he would change it up on me by him grabbing the kids and putting them in the car.

I threw on my pants and walked over the Sissy's room, where Nana decided to sleep last night. I stood in the doorway in horror, seeing nothing but an empty bed and an empty sleeping bag, my eyes darted from bed to sleeping bag and back again trying to figure out why they were empty. The first thought that comes to my mind is of course that they've been stoled. So i go to the window in a panic rush and seen it was still locked which left me confused with more urgency.

Thankfully, before I started screaming through the house that my children were missing (and some remember how I got when I lost Nana in the crowded Markt Platz in Germany during a midnight fest, I obviously found her), I decided to see if they were in the car. Thankfully that's where they were and I saved myself the humilation of looking like a maniac and waking the neighborhood.

Lesson of the day: You shouldn't change routine when the mother is highly susceptible to panic.

Webs, Weaves, and un-Welcomed opinions

Just like every morning, I get the kids and walk them down to school. And just like every morning I walk through the same spider's web; always right across my arms and chest. I believe that the spider had gotten sick of me routinely ruining it's work, so taking my lack of height into consideration, this spider decided that it would build its web a little higher. As we all know, spiders do not come equiped with a measuring device of any sort, so its calculations were a little off. Rather than relocating its web on my upper body, I (and probably the spider too) was surprise to have it end up all over my face.

Knowing that I had run out of cigarettes this morning, I had decided to put on my sneakers so that after I dropped off my daughters I could make the 30 minute walk to the nearest gas station....

Minding my own business on my way up to the Chevron, I walked peacefully. It is probably beyond obvious that for me to walk anywhere past my block I must cross the street. Unfortunately this given is not so obvious to some:

A largely overset woman informed me after I made my way from one strip of sidewalk to another on the otherside of the intersect that my actions were "dangerous."

I stopped, looked around and asked "Crossing the street?"

"Yeah, you've got that baby! That's dangerous!"

Acknowledging the extreme lack of traffic on the road, I gave her my most polite smile, knodded as if taking her opinion into consideration, and without breaking eye contact I returned her verbal opinion with my own, "So is over eating." Then I smiled the sweetest smile I could, and continued walking.

About half way to my destination I found a tangled weave on the ground, and wondered if it belonged to the opinionated overset lady.

I felt much less tense after I purchased and lit my morning cigarette, and so ignored the gentleman who shouted out his window a suggestion of the two us having relations of some sort as he drove past me on my way back home.

Lesson learned (at the cost of the opinionated lady): It pays to be annoyingly polite.

Frustration

Somedays I become overwhelmed with frustration of myself. I wonder: what is it that I am looking for and what is it that I want? The answers are never straight forward and always contradicting.

Truth is, sometimes I feel robbed of my youth, I've went from being a kid to a mom, and then a wife. It isn't anyone's fault but my own, and really, I do not see it as a fault. I'm confident that I feel robbed sometimes because I have no life outside of being a mom and a wife. I'm either at home with the kids, or I am out with the kids. The times I am out without the children, I am at the grocery store, and oddly I treasure those moments when I am left with no one but myself.

I feel sometimes that I've become a robot within society's conformities, acting out motions that I don't remember fully agreeing to act on. I'm sure just one night...just one with me being Amy rather than the titles of wife and mother, would do me wonders. Really, I think I just need to go out and have a girls' night or something.

Unease

It's barely morning, the sun as yet to cast it's light over Texas. My daughters are inside, all snuggled up on the couch enveloped with pillows and blankets. I am again out in my garage smoking (something I do too often).

Today was an early day, as we all got up at 4:30 to take HB to work; he is once again doing field problems. He's to be absent from the home three to five days this time. Though this time I harvest a terrible sense of dread within me about this field problem. It could be because I found out that they are to doing live fire missions, and the fear that resided in HB's eyes when he told me. He is not one to be afraid of live fire, shooting guns is what he does. Though he expressed a large lack of confidence in the men he is in charge of that will be shooting behind him as they clear homes for their urban warfare training.

There is something that should be mentioned about the relationship my husband and I participate in. We are not the most loving couple, our marital union is largely supported on our common senses of humor, even when we are at our worst with each other (which is actually very rare). I would not describe him as "Mr. Right" nor "the man of my dreams." I cannot even be certain that he and I "belong" together. It seems that fate had brought us together for the sake of having the children we're now raising.

Throughout our partnership, we have come to know each other very well, and though we may not be the most "perfect" companion for one another, there is an understanding between us that is beyond the comprehension of "love."

As romantic as that sounds, there is a large lack of trust from multiple actions he had taken in the past; and so because of my guarded heart I think of him as "for now" rather than "forever." I suppose that is my way of avoiding future pain; if there are no expectations then no expectations can be broken and so I cannot be disappointed.

Yes, I know, not the best way to look at things. It is the way I cope and the reason am able to still be with him after 9 years. And I know in the deepest part of my heart, it is not the way I truely feel. That was confirmed today as I was driving home after dropping him off. With silent sleeping children in the back, solitude on the roads, and the surroundings swallowed by the dark of night, I felt dread, I felt a loss. And for one single beat (the first time in a long time), my heart beat solely for him.

....hopefully I'll get over it soon and return to normal.

Morning Announcements

Every morning I take my daughters to school, I listen to their morning announcements. Though I'm disturbed at times because the annoucements seem to make two subtle points - both contradicting the other.

They start off with the national anthem. Everyone in the building turn to face the nearest flag, placing their right hand over their hearts, and they all sing. Which is great, it's good that everyone in this school will know what our national anthem is (for being Americans, that's a plus). But they do not say the Pledge. Now, the Pledge of Allegiance brings up another thought of mine:


I never noticed it while I was in school and chanted the Pledge everymorning in a drowsy zombie like state of mind. Though when Sissy first started school in our little military community located in a small town within the Germany country side, the Pledge bothered me. It disturbed me to see so many young children seem mindlessly rehearsed speaking words that they do not understand. With this new perspective, it seemed almost cult-like, as if the nation brainwashes our children at a young age by having them pledge their allegiance to the country every morning, mondays through fridays for 9 months out of the year, every year. Being in Germany at the time, I wondered....during the conflicts that occured in Germany not even a century ago, did the German children chant a pledge as Nazis marched through their cobble stone streets?


Anyhow, my daughters new school does not say the pledge, rather they sing the National Anthem. For some reason this relieves me because more effort is put into singing than speaking, and it is not a pledge of any sort. On the other hand, this too disturbs me. Now I am not a good Christian, I don't even know if I would call myself a Christian at all, but I do believe that a belief in God is very important. I figure this Texas school probably does not say the pledge because of the controversy of whether or not to say "under God" within it. Omitting it offends some while including it offends others. So it makes sense that the safe choice is to not say the Pledge at all.

This would be fine if at the end of the annoucements, there is not a "moment of silence" taken every morning. What the "moment of silence" is for, or what it symbolizes, I do not know. But to me, I understand it as a religious act, whatever the religion is. This "moment of silence" demanded at the end of the morning announcements seems to contradict not saying the Pledge to avoid the mentioning or lack of mention of God. Also, the "moment of silence" seems to place religion in school in a very subtle, discrete and vague way. I've never been an Atheist, but I have known some, and I've never known them to take a moment of silence just for the heck of it.

Sunday Nights

"sssspppp" the sound of my cigarette as a light my first one since 45 minutes ago (that's estimated largely).

The only sounds filling the air in my garage (as that's where I go to smoke) is the clicking of the keys as I type this blog. (Which I must say is very addicting...blogging)

Today was an uneventful day at home. I slept in, which was nice, expect for when i realized that I fell asleep while on the phone and it had made it's imprint on my side: "call time 7:54" it said...wow, just about 8 hours on the phone, most of it spent sleeping. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only one that had fallen asleep as well as not having to go to sleep alone last night.

It's now 11pm, I've spent most of my day researching and writing a paper about politics and the power of office politics; not something I am too interested in, but good to know I suppose. I think I'm going to fold laundry and go through the Sunday paper...after lighting to smoke another of course. The garage is my smoke haven, a place of quiet escape...the cigarettes, well they are my addiction and sadly my life source as it drives away hunger pains and assists my caffinated self to stay awake, making the most of the precious 24 hours that are in a day.

I stopped, just now, from typing, gathering thoughts as to what I want to express; I looked at my hand, cigarette between my fingers. I watched my hand continuously shake and I wonder: is it from the toxins I voluntarily inhale into my body, the amount of caffine coursing through me, or is it the normal lack of sleep I experience, of course I suppose it could be the lack in food as well...looking at my hands and pondering about their rhythmic shake that has become all too familar, I consider another though: maybe I should stop bitting my nails.

Introduction

I suppose I should make an introduction to describe the members that occupy my household.

The baby of the family, Ember, is a bustling toddler who just entered her terrible twos; her days consist of Elmo, Blues Clues, coloring on everything but paper, chasing her two older sisters, and making sure her mother is at one of two extremes: insanity and peace. I think of Ember as the child that balances my other two daughters, my yang (my stress)

Then there is the middle daughter, Nana. She had just entered preschool, has a passionate love for eating, and is the classic middle child who sways between wanting be noticed as a big girl like her older sister and wanting to be the baby of the family (which makes emotionally unstable at times and very sensitive), but never lacking in a great sense of humor and is constantly filling my days with laughter. Nana is my joy, one half of my yin.

The other half of my yin would be my oldest, Sissy. She prides herself in her artistic abilities, a natural born perfectionist, and believes she is faster than the wind when she runs. If asked to describe herself she would say, "I'm seven, meaning I am ALMOST a teenager!" Her attitude proves that to be true, which frightens me. Sissy is my rock, my strength, the meaning to my life.

Outside my yin and yang factors of life is my husband. In searching for words to describe him all I think of is the sound of crickets surrounded by the silence of the night, this desciption suits him well. He has many flaws though I see the potential of him to be grand in all areas of his life, aside from his own mother I believe I am the only one that sees this in him.

Lastly there is myself, I cannot look at myself unbiasly to give a short and accurate description; through these blog postings I suppose the reader can come to their own conclusions of who I am.