Surviving Black Friday

I'm the kind of person that has never gone out the day after thanksgiving, until this morning. I was somehow talked into going to the "Day After Thanksgiving Sales." How, I'm not sure being that the last thing I wanted to do first thing in the morning was cram my way through the mall and stores and trying to keep track of the 3children that seem to overwhelm me when I go out shopping on a normal day. Never the less, I went.

I was fine for the first hour as we went store hopping. Then somewhere in Sears when my 4 year decided to pull an "I want it!" explosion, my two year old was playing "bet ya can't catch me!", the nicotine from my last cigarette wore off, my 7 year old inadvertly fell into playing "bet ya can't catch me!" and I was navigating a now empty stroller through the over crowded aisles trying to find the exit that I suddenly felt I had lost total control (if that is I had any to begin with).

I have often felt as if I was a sheep herder (but for children), trying to keep them from running this way and that, my head spinning in directions with percise speed that even Linda Blair wasn't able to accomplish in the 1970s Exorcist movie; my ears, tuned into their foot steps so I know exactly when and where one of my children have slowed down and by how much if they are out of eye's view. But this morning, with the crowds growing around me and trying so desperately to keep my children with me, I felt for the first time like white trash (a bit below humbling).

After finding freedom from Sears, I resorted to bribery (I was desperate) by treating my children with cookies (which was a disaster as I didn't get the giant Cinderella frosted cookie cake my 4 year old had been eyeing), a trip to the pet store, and (gulp)...the toy store. Thank God the pet store did not seem to be participating in the biggest sales day of the year, unfortunately the toy store did. I have always hated toy stores in malls, never ever have they had enough space in their little nook to house as many toys as they do, and they never have any consideration of customer walking space when setting up these stores.

By this point, my 2 year old was buckled into the stroller (which i only do when I become desperate), but the toy store started the grand reopening of the "I want it!" series from my precious 4 year old. I believe it was in that store (it's all a bit blurry) that I ran over ever bystander with the stroller making my way to the exit. The trip to the toy store wasn't all bad though, the Baby Alive toy that my daughters swoon over when seeing it advertised in a commerical was crossed off their Christmas list after being creeped out by it in person and dubbed "the scarey baby."

Regrouping with my friends (thank God they were there since at this point the mall was spinning around me), we thought we would hit one more store...just one more: JCPenny. I was pleasantly greeted with REAL sales and bargains there and at first the eariler chaos disappeared from my recent memories. Then I had to check out, which ruined the whole experience. The closest checkout had a line that seemed to round its way around the outter walk way, so that checkout was avoided. Instead, we made our way to the shortest line. Being the 4th person in line, I felt good, optismist even. The girls were wound down (given I told them that if they didn't act like little ladies, I'd take them to the salon to have their hair shaved like boys)and all seemed good. 10 minutes later I was still the 4th person in line...then 15 minutes past, I was still the 4th person in line. I began to worry that the cashiers had forgot their caffine being that they've been open since 4am, but that worry quickly turned into dark sarcastic remarks. Then the crowds began again, at first I thought it was claustophobia (which is a common foe of mine), then I thought that maybe it was the 3 hours since my last cigarette, I even considered that it as stress from the first and latter mixed in with the adventure of have 3 kids with me. But as the displays around me spun, I white knuckled the stroller and my breathing quickened; I realized I was having an anxiety attack (my first).

Putting to use the Lamaze breathing techniques that failed me during all of my baby's wonderful entrance into this world, I was able to make it home. Once inside, I put my winter coat back on(I think the inside of the frig is warmer than it is outside) and fell asleep on the couch. I must have been out for at least 5 hours and woke up very confused on the day and time. Napping is something I don't really do and 5 hours far surpasses the classifications of a nap.

I can't wait to do it again next year just to put myself into another 5 hour coma!

...

I have been in seclusion (as secluded as I can get with 3 kids) for a whole day now. I just want to be left alone. I have decided not to answer the phone out of fear that it will be more bad news, I'm bad news-ed out (3 in a row, I'm ready for this month to be over now).

I had a delusional dream of my future when I was 12 and carried it for 14 years, I thought my dog and I would grow old together. In some ways, it is true, we did grow together and she was there for all my major life changes.

In a military family, there isn't much stability other than your family. And my family was not what you would call stable. I came home from 7th grade one day to see the cutest puppy I've ever seen and bonded with her faster and more so than I have ever done with anyone before then and even after then (minus my children of course).

Lady was the constant in my life when things around me became so uncertain and scary. She was the warmth in a home that I remember being so cold growing up.

...

memories

A Futuristic Now

Reading the news this morning, I became terrified, hopeful, and excited all at the same time (combined this makes me anxious, which is probably due to hormonal imbalances). I read that the U.N. is getting together with all nations to establish a plan for global warming. There is now hard scientific proof that if we as a global community do not combat this together, our species is without a doubt going to face extinction, along with other plant and animal species. So they are coming together to have a plan set in by 2009 and in full function by 2012. Nations are to come together to fund poorer nations into this transition, not one nation can be excluded from this plan, and there is no more room for the skeptics.

It is nice to know that we are now coming together (or trying to at least) for a cause that is important (the continuation of our species). I thought of all the futuristic books i've read, and movies I've seen and remembered that in many cases (it's eerie actually) that life imitates art (rather than the other way around). I even thought about the video game I've been dabbling in (in my free time) where all the cities are underwater in these tubes. To think, in our life time a major change is going to occur, which will require major sacrifices to our way of living. It was stated that the poor (in any nation) will not survive, starvation will become common around the world...which is see-able, being that milk is already nearing $5 a gallon and water prices are to rise dramatically within the next 5 years due to a severe drought that is to effect 30-some-odd states of our 50 states. The hot days of summer will get hotter, the cold days of winter...colder, killing plants and animal alike.

I wonder, is 2012 soon enough? It's right around the corner, I know. But that is an odd year to choose (even though it is an even number). According to old Buddist scripts, oracles of Rome, and the Mayan calendar: 2012 is to be the year that the human race ends, that the 5 eras of humans (we are on the fifth) ends in Dec. of that year. Dec. of that year is also when we are going to experience a galactic eclipse, the first in our planet's history, where we become aligned for the big flip to the other side of the Milky Way. (Sounds a bit outrageous, I know).

Seems that time is literally flying away from us, seems to be speeding. If it didn't mean that my children might suffer through the heat and cold and hunger and thirst, it wouldn't be so terrifying. And aside from all the prophecies of 2012 in countless religions and texts, and aside from us flipping over to the other side of the galaxy (which is going to give the GREATEST light show in our skies...if I live I'm gonna be so excited to watch it!), this is a very exciting change...minus the death of thousands from increases in the acts of God (hurricanes, earthquakes, volcanos, etc due to the climate change).

It just occured to me that I sound like a loon. I took something from the U.N. and related it to deceased religions and astronomy (not astrology, I'm not that loony). Now I sound like a conspiracy theorist...but a conspiracy that's on a galactic level, not govermental.

...maybe I read to much...

Socialism

As a social person, i have always been able to blend well with any group of people...but as a person, I'm not much of a people person. I'd rather sit by myself somewhere than listen to dull meaningless conversation about "he-said/she-said". Though I do have close friends, I'm the kind of person that is just fine without seeing them for a month or so. Unfortunately, my friends are not like this. It was been 4 days since I had seen any of them. Usually they stop by without notice and decide to interupt my days by "chatting" all day long, coming over at 9am and staying til 6pm. And because I am polite, I do not get anything done that I would have otherwise gotten done, I sit with them and pretend to be entertained by their silly little conversation topics that mean nothing to me. In all honesty, participating in these conversations usually gives me a headache.

Yesterday, a friend of mine who I love dearly as a person but find boring, called me. She notified me that she invited 4 other people...and their kids that she was coming over to my house tomorrow (today). Today, the kids have off from school because of Veteran's Day. They have not been able to watch TV all weekend because Jason has hogged it playing video games. So my plans on sitting with the kids and watching goofy cartoons then dancing around the house (which is what we do when they are home and Jason is not) is not going to happen. I slept in til 10:30 and now have only an hour and 15 minutes before their expected arrival.

Why? Why in the world do people decide to just hop in on other people...granted, my friend calling to at least let me know that they were coming over is new, usually they just stop by. But every time they stop by, I'm the last one to know that there's a get-together at my residence. Kind-a urks me a bit. But rather then being rude, I will most likely do what I do best when they get here: I'll smile and pretend I am interested and make them feel as if they have made my day so much better because of their presence...all the while wishing that they would just go home...with their kids. My home is my home. And i like it kept nice. I don't mind getting out of my house and meeting everyone somewhere else, but whenever they all come over and bring their kids, something gets broken or colored on...and not normal things. I have holes in my walls, crayons I just scrubbed off my walls, hair shampoo just cleaned out of my carpet...all from having their children at my house 4 days ago.

Being that we have so many children between the 5 of us, you would think we would meet at a playground....but then again, that's just me.

It happened again....

So I've been in a funk since school got out, a bit depressed and somewhat hollow feeling. Though the hollow feeling increased a few days ago. I blamed it on many reasons, none of which made sense to me. Then I thought, "I need to go see family." And this urge to "go see family" became more and more urgent. Of course, I assumed that I needed to go see my family. Then today I scrunched numbers and became excited when the possibility to go home for Thanksgiving began to open up. So I drove to the grocery store, scheming on how this will work out, only to realized when I was at the checkout that it probably wasn't a good idea being that Christmas is nearing on us. So again, the little light that filled me up inside dimmed down.

Driving home, for some odd reason I realized "HB's family is family!" (Duh, I know). And his Aunt lives just an hour and a half from us. So I got overwhelmed with excitment on going to see his family for Thanksgiving.

When I got home to share my revelation with HB, HB looked at me with sorrow eyes and said in a very controlled manner that his great aunt (who raised him for 3 years when he was 4) was on life support for lung disease. His Aunt that lives near us was going to Louisiana to go see her. So I pushed that we should go too, being that I've been overcome with the need to see "family" and felt fulfilled by the thought that "family" was really his family, not mine.

HB being the non-optimist that he is was against it. He used financial reasons as an excuse, but I know it's probably more along the lines of coming face to face with sweet childhood memories and the dark reality of his aunt being near death...even as a man, he is not strong enough to face this.

It seems that whenever a member of my family is ill or has become deceased, no matter the distance between myself and them, I have a deep inner self telling me in a not so direct way with a loud and urgent voice, I suppose this goes to show that this voice of mine is not limited to strictly my bloodline.

Boredom

I have been out of school for 3 weeks, only 3 weeks. I realized it was "only" 3 weeks a few days ago when I thought to myself that I was ready to go back again soon...only to realize that I have another 2 months still. Then I became slightly depressed, a bit hollow feeling. Can't explain why, you would think that I would be enjoying my time off of school, I thought I would be. This proves that even I can be wrong at times (rare times).

To keep myself busy, I had done some fall cleaning (even though I just moved here and unpacked not too long ago). After I got everything cleaned I bought new furniture (this was the most exciting point in the last 3 weeks.) A 7 piece wall unit desk, a huge ass table that can seat my whole family, 2 floor to ceiling bookshelves, and an end table. The arrival of my furniture busied me for a whole day as I put everything in it's place. My favorite are the bookshelves, I have wanted so long a library; a room with just bookshelves and a single chair in the middle of the room. I do not have the space here for a library, so I converted my sitting room into my little library (I say little because there's only 2 bookshelves). Putting all my books away into their new home was the most exciting part. Some of these books have not had a place to call their own in my home since I left my parents' house.

When I get really bored, I like to stop in the middle of my sitting room (which is more of a sitting "area") and stare at my books...I realized I should've gotten 3 rather then just 2, but 2 is fine for now.

After I am fulfilled admiring the beginnings to my library, I sit and paint. I've started 2 paintings...I gave up on one realizing that I cannot paint praire grass and sandy beaches (which is sad for me, I was painting a light house and planned on titling it Solitude). Though now I am working on some burning logs and thinking about titling it somewhere along the lines of Inner Fury, or The Burning Soul. I'll perfect the title once I am finished.

I've read 3 books, and am on my 4th.

But the most exciting thing I have done in the past weeks is my hair...today. I had cut my hair really short a few months back, I loved it. Now it is growing out...that point where you can't quite put it up in a pony tail but it's too hot to leave it down. So today I put my hair up in 6 pony tails and feel so much better.

So aside from my pony tails and my miniture library, I have been bored out of my mind and I go crazy at the thought that I have another 2 months before I begin school again....