Touch.
The simplest, most basic form of conveying emotion.
We don't notice it unless it is unwelcome or until it is missing.
Touch is something I do often, I touch people I love constantly. To not touch someone in my life seems impossible to me.
Hugs, running fingers through their hair, holding hands, cheek kisses, linking arms. These are all common forms of touch in my life.
Sometimes unwelcome touch becomes so normal that we begin to not notice that either, until it is also missing and eventually forgotten
I sat down a couple weeks ago to watch the pilot of a show called Boardwalk Empire. In it was a scene of domestic violence so intense, it reminded me of what was now missing in my life. I watched in tears, not wanting to look but not able to stop. I could feel myself shaking with fearful recollection. As I watched the scene unfold on the television, I realized a number of things that had not occurred to me before:
1. I was never okay with how I was treated in my first marriage.
2. I was not okay with how I lost 2 of my pregnancies.
3. I'm still not okay with either of those.
4. I have never truly forgiven HB for his actions even after it stopped.
5. This is what ruined our marriage. THIS, which sadly began before we were married.
What was astonishing to me was that I had forgotten the details until I was watching it. Once, in 2005, I admitted to my father that I was a victim. That once was so humiliating that I dismissed all past and future occurrences from that point on. Dismissing is not the same as forgiving. I hadn't even realized this is what I did with it. And the details, the details I wish I could forget all over again.
