Unease

It's barely morning, the sun as yet to cast it's light over Texas. My daughters are inside, all snuggled up on the couch enveloped with pillows and blankets. I am again out in my garage smoking (something I do too often).

Today was an early day, as we all got up at 4:30 to take HB to work; he is once again doing field problems. He's to be absent from the home three to five days this time. Though this time I harvest a terrible sense of dread within me about this field problem. It could be because I found out that they are to doing live fire missions, and the fear that resided in HB's eyes when he told me. He is not one to be afraid of live fire, shooting guns is what he does. Though he expressed a large lack of confidence in the men he is in charge of that will be shooting behind him as they clear homes for their urban warfare training.

There is something that should be mentioned about the relationship my husband and I participate in. We are not the most loving couple, our marital union is largely supported on our common senses of humor, even when we are at our worst with each other (which is actually very rare). I would not describe him as "Mr. Right" nor "the man of my dreams." I cannot even be certain that he and I "belong" together. It seems that fate had brought us together for the sake of having the children we're now raising.

Throughout our partnership, we have come to know each other very well, and though we may not be the most "perfect" companion for one another, there is an understanding between us that is beyond the comprehension of "love."

As romantic as that sounds, there is a large lack of trust from multiple actions he had taken in the past; and so because of my guarded heart I think of him as "for now" rather than "forever." I suppose that is my way of avoiding future pain; if there are no expectations then no expectations can be broken and so I cannot be disappointed.

Yes, I know, not the best way to look at things. It is the way I cope and the reason am able to still be with him after 9 years. And I know in the deepest part of my heart, it is not the way I truely feel. That was confirmed today as I was driving home after dropping him off. With silent sleeping children in the back, solitude on the roads, and the surroundings swallowed by the dark of night, I felt dread, I felt a loss. And for one single beat (the first time in a long time), my heart beat solely for him.

....hopefully I'll get over it soon and return to normal.